


last year i abstained

by Augment



Series: without guilt [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Unresolved Sexual Tension, emphasis on the unresolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 16:02:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21102149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augment/pseuds/Augment
Summary: Luffy's beginning to suspect he's going to have to die like this, either hollow and miserable, or bloated with empty calories, every time Zoro laughs or fights, and Luffy cannot touch the way he wants to, cannot speak the words he needs to.





	last year i abstained

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Без вины](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25648792) by [Переводчик_сдох (Lena013)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lena013/pseuds/%D0%9F%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B2%D0%BE%D0%B4%D1%87%D0%B8%D0%BA_%D1%81%D0%B4%D0%BE%D1%85)

> So I saw [this post](https://chaosseeking.tumblr.com/post/183808512859/are-there-any-zolu-fics-where-zoros-the-oblivious) on Tumblr, which is essentially a very sweet prompt about Luffy pining that absolutely does not deserve what I've done to it.
> 
> For this fic, I have decided to abandon acceptable sentence structures.

In the first flush of their victory over Captain Morgan, Luffy takes mercenary advantage of the grateful townsfolk. Zoro heads off to the bathing facilities – a very generous description of what is likely a bucket of cold water and a ladle – while Luffy busies himself with wheedling a truly ridiculous amount of food out of the innkeeper. He's gotten a head start on some pork buns when Zoro wanders back into the dining area.

Luffy looks up, and freezes, cheeks full of dough like a chipmunk and with another pork bun frozen halfway to his mouth. Zoro's skin is softly flushed – no doubt the result of his bracing wash – and the tip of his nose is red in a way that the back of Luffy's brain faintly registers as 'cute'. His hair is standing up and messy, but it's clean and it looks like soft dewy grass. He's sporting a new, skin-tight white t-shirt that leaves nothing to the imagination, and Luffy is not prepared for the instant blind _want_ that hits him like freight train out of nowhere.

He blinks, and then Zoro is sitting down across from him.

"You leave any of those for me?" Zoro asks, gesturing to the mostly empty plate of pork buns.

Luffy swallows, with difficulty, and pushes the plate towards Zoro.

"They're coming with more," he tells Zoro, and Zoro grabs a bun and grins at him.

Now that the shock of it has passed, Luffy can recognise that Zoro is a very attractive individual, if that's your type.

A plate of chicken is delivered to them, and Luffy inhales two drumsticks thoughtfully. Apparently it's Luffy's type, which is new. He stops chewing for a second to take a brief but hard look at the feelings. Then he decides he can solve them by jerking off in his room later and dismisses it. He steals the last two pork buns from under Zoro – eliciting a noise of outrage from his new crewmate that's mostly muffled by the chicken wing in Zoro's mouth – and proceeds to invent the chicken-pork bun sandwich.

And if anyone were to ask him later what the most memorable thing was that happened that day, Luffy would definitely pick the sandwich.

* * *

It turns out that Luffy's solution – one fist pulling hard at his cock and the other stuffed into his mouth to muffle the noise as he imagines that white t-shirt drenched with water or sweat, stretched tight over Zoro's abs and biceps – _that _solution, it doesn't so much solve Luffy's problem as bring it right to the front of his mind and keep it there.

What compounds it is the fact that – and, okay, look, Luffy hadn't really understood what being a captain might mean when he set out on this path. His reasoning was basically that you couldn't be a Pirate King without a crew, which meant that Luffy should be a captain sort of by default. He hadn't really given much thought to it beyond that, which meant he certainly wasn't prepared for it when his brand new crewmate of just a few days hefts an iron cage containing his dumbass captain on his shoulder and bleeds for it. And then Zoro gets stabbed by the unicycle weirdo – in a really fucking cool way, okay – and almost sliced in half by Mihawk, and again at Arlong park – honestly, Luffy's never met anyone that enjoys getting stabbed half as much as Zoro seems to – and still Zoro follows Luffy, straight into weird situations and dumb decisions, and is right there on the same page as Luffy, in line, in sync, at his back and his right hand.

So – all of _that_, plus the muscles, plus the way that Zoro says "Aye, Captain", introduces Luffy to a facet of his sexual identity of which he was previously unaware. And look, Luffy's a young man, his hormones woke up and grabbed him by the testicles a while ago, and he's currently in the phase of his life where his underlying atomic structure is basically just solidified sexual tension, so being crammed into a tiny boat with the cause of this newly discovered itch under his skin was never going to be _easy_, but it still doesn't explain the ratcheting intensity of the desire to swallow Zoro's cock down until Luffy forgets his _own_ _name_.

It's unexpected, and not what Luffy thought would happen with the whole 'Step 1: get crew; Step 2: become Pirate King' plan, certainly didn't think there'd be a 'Step 1.5: develop a confusing attraction to your first mate' sandwiched in there. It's not – it's not welcome, it's not _un_welcome – it's mostly just baffling, particularly in its intensity.

But he figures he can deal with it. With wanting to lick a stripe the full length of Zoro's torso, bite down on the soft flesh of his neck, swallow his laugh whole – he can deal with that. It peaks rather sharply right before they get Merry, and then once he's not living right in Zoro's pocket it retreats to this constant but mostly ignorable background buzz that only rears up when Zoro does something appalling like get covered in blood, or smiling at Luffy. It does eventually plateau.

The problem is that the plateau is at the top of a fucking mountain.

* * *

For example, it's some point after Arlong, when the new scar on Zoro's chest is still pink and shiny, and Luffy can't stop thinking of how it was sworn shut in _Luffy's name_, that Luffy decides to sequester himself in the galley while Sanji prepares lunch.

"Ugh." Sanji makes a noise of disgust as he stops in front of the galley porthole on the way to the stove.

Luffy, who's having vague fantasies of grilled cheese sandwiches and the noise Zoro might make when he orgasms – not necessarily in that order – looks up with vague interest.

"Who does he think's he's impressing, half-naked like that?" Sanji complains as he looks onto the deck.

"Who?" says Luffy, demonstrating his complete lack of self-preservation instincts.

Sanji dries his hands on the dishtowel he's holding and slings it over his shoulder. "Who else," he mutters, and turns back to his cooking.

Luffy sits on his hands. It doesn't help. All thoughts of grilled cheese sandwiches have been obliterated.

He lasts the three seconds it takes for Sanji to turn his back, and then Luffy throws himself across the table to press his nose against the porthole glass.

Sure enough, there's Zoro on deck, stripped to the waist, and slinging weights around like nothing. Zoro squats, and Luffy is treated to thoughts about Zoro's strong thighs that should probably get him thrown in prison. Then Zoro turns around, and his back muscles shift – those ones at the shoulders, Luffy has no idea what they're called, but he could write a fucking ode to them the next time he's capable of coming up with a coherent thought, he could spend his entire life gripping those shoulders as he thrusts into Zoro, or the other way around, it _really _doesn’t matter.

It's a hot day, and Luffy can see the sheen of sweat on Zoro's skin even through his breath fogging up the glass, and it's a really good thing that Luffy's currently wedged uncomfortably between the wall and galley table because nothing short of a physical barrier could prevent him from mouthing at the sweat that shines Zoro's skin, trailing it down his belly button, his hip bones, Luffy maybe using his teeth to pull Zoro's trousers down to expose what's beneath.

Luffy whines into the glass. That was a bad time to remember Zoro doesn't wear underwear.

"You can't be that hungry."

Luffy whips away from the porthole, staring wide-eyed at Sanji, who's holding an enormous plate of rice and things.

"You had a snack like an hour ago," Sanji continues, putting the plate on the table, alongside a variety of other foodstuffs Luffy somehow hadn't seem him lay out, despite that fact that it was _food _and _one foot away_.

Sanji doesn't seem to need an answer. He opens the galley door and hollers that lunch is ready, and Luffy tries to remember what it was like to not be consumed by an all encompassing hunger to take the most stable thing Luffy's ever had and press him down into a soft bed, slide into eager flesh, receive like a precious gift this thing that Zoro hasn't yet given him.

Then Zoro sits _right next to him_.

Zoro hasn't bothered to put on a shirt, a fact that makes Sanji scowl and thump down Zoro's portion of meat with more force than necessary. Zoro ignores Sanji with an ease that seems to be becoming second nature, and under the guise of the chaos that is shared crew mealtimes leans across Luffy to get at the green beans.

Luffy smells sweat. Zoro's body, flushed from the exercise, radiates heat into Luffy's space. Zoro spears some beans with his fork, and Luffy bites his own tongue to keep from grabbing Zoro's wrist and sucking a love bite onto the pulse point.

Luffy eats far more than he needs or wants to. He inhales most of a roast chicken without tasting it, because Zoro licks some sauce off his fingers. Four large whole potatoes disappear in quick succession when Zoro shifts across the bench to give Usopp more room, and presses his thigh against Luffy's. Then Zoro, apparently noticing Luffy's bigger than normal appetite, _shares his meat_, forking over a couple of large chunks of an animal that had Sanji described as 'close enough to a pig' when they'd caught it on the last island, right onto Luffy's plate from Zoro's like Zoro's worried that Luffy might not have enough food, and _well._

Well, they have to roll Luffy into bed that night, because he's too full to move, and still he's _hungry._

* * *

It carries on like this. The hunger stays, and rages, for months. It's like Luffy's got a whole separate appetite for Zoro, one that is grown in equal measure by Luffy's fascination for Zoro's physique and his appreciation for Zoro's unwavering support. God knows he has enough to occupy himself with – they get into fights, gain several crewmates, start revolutions and wars, save princesses, get into _more_ fights – but in between crisis situations there's always Zoro, with biceps that Luffy wants to wrap around, and strong fingers that Luffy wants twisted in his hair, and seemingly existing to feed Luffy's obsession until his appetite is so large it feels like it will never be sated.

And Luffy can't figure out if it's reciprocal – it can't be, not to this extent, Luffy's sure, because he can't understand how something this strong isn't a tangible thing, obvious in the way it bloats his stomach starvation-style, and how Zoro can't see it and know it on Luffy immediately.

Also Zoro has this whole ascetic monk thing going on – he _meditates_ for fuck's sake, the only time Luffy has ever managed to sit still for that long is when it's the _whole ocean_ he has to preoccupy himself with – but Zoro has poise, he practices self-control (for the most part), he is calm and self-assured and Luffy can't – well, Luffy _can _imagine Zoro in the throes of ecstasy, that's the _problem_ – but he can't imagine how Zoro might look if he wanted and doubted the way Luffy did.

Part of the problem is that Luffy doesn't really know how this looks on _anyone_. It's so weirdly specific. It's not just men, or swordsmen, or muscles, or any one general thing that could describe these _feelings_. Luffy's gone up against lots of people that might fall into those categories, and he feels either pure liquid anger (if they're assholes), or vague admiration for their skills (if they're not assholes). _Nothing_ like what Zoro inspires in him.

Like the way that he sees endless gold reflected in Zoro's eyes when the sunlight hits them just right, and how he feels depths of hope and faith in Zoro's hands. Like the way Luffy is mesmerised when he watches Zoro train – yes, alright, because of _that_, but if Luffy stuffs his mouth full so he can't say anything stupid, if he bites down on the hard sea biscuit like he wants to bite down on Zoro's thigh, he can get past it – and yet _still_, seeing Zoro slice gracefully through invisible enemies enchants Luffy, and then the hunger shifts upwards a bit too far, stuck between his stomach and his throat, and makes his heart ache.

Zoro, with his salt-stained skin and hair, is somehow different, and his laugh sets Luffy on fire, and he makes Luffy want, anyway he can, to be truly worth the faith Zoro has in him.

* * *

Eventually Luffy figures it out.

Look – and he knows he's not the brightest, but in his defense it's not like these feelings have precedence, at least not to him. Not like this. But he figures it out, what these feelings mean, and what Zoro's done to him.

How do other people bear this? Every time Zoro touches him Luffy wants to rip out his own lungs and eat them.

The thing about Luffy is that he's never been able to wait and see, to sit on something without taking action. He's simply not built for it, so once he works it out, he _has _to test it out. And he can't be certain – not with this – and he can't make assumptions – not with _this_ – so Luffy tackles the problem like he does everything.

Which means that the next time he and Zoro are alone, the words – without preamble or embarrassment or context – simply fall from his lips.

"I love you."

Zoro doesn't choke on his beer – he very carefully doesn't choke or cough, or splutter in surprise. Instead, he lowers the bottle carefully and studies Luffy for a few long seconds, or hours, or maybe he's just swallowing his mouthful, but it doesn't really matter because his eyes are dark and the shape of his face is perfect.

Luffy stares back with a determined frown. Then Zoro smiles gently – Luffy wants eighty-seven ice-creams, he's going to lick each one from Zoro's lips – and Zoro says, with all the look of an affectionate friend and first mate, "I love you, too."

* * *

Alright, so it's possible Luffy somehow wasn't one hundred percent clear with his meaning. It's a little difficult to see how this might be possible, given the literal declaration of love, but Luffy is willing to make allowances – Zoro's not too smart, after all.

The reason he thinks there might have been a slight miscommunication is that their conversation – such as it was – did not end with Luffy swallowing the eager moans of his first mate, or with Zoro's hands on him, or his hands on Zoro, or really anything that might calm the raging hunger that Zoro, with the mere paltry act of breathing, seems to inject directly into Luffy's spinal fluid.

Maybe Luffy just needs to be a bit more obvious about it. Nami had once informed him he was about as subtle as a brick to the face, but Zoro had once had an entire building fall on him and hadn't seemed to notice, so.

Luffy tries it out on Usopp, first.

"Hey Usopp," and then, once Usopp has looked up from his tinkering, "I love you."

Without missing a beat, Usopp answers, "I love you too, buddy," easily.

So far so good – Usopp clearly understands the distinction. So Luffy adds, "I love Zoro," you know, meaningfully. (He considers an eyebrow waggle but decides against it.)

"Okay?" Usopp says, mildly confused. "Are we gonna go through the whole crew? I only ask 'cause I'm a little busy, so if we could schedule this for later," Usopp mimes picking up the topic and setting it aside, "that would be great. My calendar's free this afternoon."

So that hadn't worked. Luffy feels that the difference is obvious, but Usopp hadn't seen it either, so maybe he's expecting too much. Perhaps he should have gone for the eyebrow waggle after all.

* * *

Luffy figures – not _unreasonably_, not _at the time_ – that if words couldn't get the meaning across, actions might clue Zoro in.

And listen, Luffy doesn’t know, it's not a sure thing, he can see Zoro's angers and irritations and joys, but he can't see _this_. He knows there's a line here somewhere, and that he's captain, so he has to ask and be allowed, but here's the problem: there is the outside chance that Zoro understood Luffy perfectly – he often does, usually to Luffy's incandescent joy – and is in fact showing Luffy a kindness. _That_ is almost too much to bear, so Luffy is not just about to walk up to Zoro and explain that in addition to the regular amounts of affection, Luffy not only wants to crawl beneath Zoro's skin and set up shop in his soul, but he also has very particular _in-the-pants _feelings about him.

He's not blind, he sees that Zoro's loyalty is uncommon, that Luffy gets away with far more with Zoro than the rest of the crew does. That Zoro _does _love him, as his captain and friend, but what Luffy can't see is the sort of love that would let Luffy kiss him, ride him, share breaths and saliva and sweat. The sort of love that means that even after all of this, Zoro will still be there with Luffy, in his bed, linking fingers and growing old and not going anywhere.

Luffy cannot function with the slimmest of hopes that he could have this, and yet not know whether he might.

Hence the increased levels of platonic touching. If it's not welcome, Zoro will let him know, he'll draw back, or make faces at Luffy, and Luffy will deal – he might internally combust, but it will be _internal_, and he can deal.

Zoro doesn't draw back. Luffy starts big – like a fucking idiot – crawls into Zoro's bunk one evening and squishes himself into what little space there is, which really means he's half on top of Zoro. But Zoro – Luffy's going to chew through the entire pillow and fill his stomach with feathers – Zoro doesn't bat an eyelid. Zoro grumbles, "What're you doing," in a sort of disinterested half-asleep way, and then his body turns to accommodate Luffy's, slotting them in against each other's curves and hard edges. Luffy seeps into him like a puddle of melted chocolate and understands what a colossally bad idea this had been.

Because for the next night – the next several nights, when Luffy sleeps alone because if he doesn't he thinks the hunger will eat _him_ – Luffy remembers Zoro's hard muscles and soft skin, his ready acceptance of Luffy into his space, and his face lax and vulnerable with sleep.

And the love and lust builds up until Luffy's never been more eager for a shower in his life, just to have some privacy as he runs his knuckles over his painfully hard cock, takes himself in hand, imagining sword-calloused fingers covering his, a soft smile teasing him, and a deep voice murmuring endearments and urging him on, Luffy does this again and again until he's raw and sensitive, and he comes with tears pricking his eyes and the hollowness inside of him filling up with sad, sticky, burnt-toffee yearning.

* * *

So that was one of Luffy's more terrible ideas, but he's willing to move past it, learn from his mistakes. Scale back.

His hand is on Zoro's elbow the next time he wants his first mate's attention, and he increases the level of backslapping. He's also got a vague hope that repeatedly exposing himself to skin on skin contact with Zoro will stop the hunger shakes when Zoro brushes against him accidentally, and the human warmth of him and all he might offer Luffy causes tingles and flushes against Luffy's shoulder where Zoro has thoughtlessly knocked Luffy while reaching past him for a glass of water.

Anyway, it doesn’t, because Luffy's hands on Zoro can't sate him in the way that Zoro's hands on Luffy would. What it does do, that is, Luffy and the touching of Zoro's arm, hip-checking him in playfulness, linking arms, and surprise hugs (another bad decision – Luffy had had to go lie down afterwards) – what that does, is make Zoro relax, and smile at Luffy.

Luffy takes this as a good sign, an excellent sign, right up until the moment that he realises that it's also making _Luffy _relax.

And that is because for the past few months Luffy _hadn't_, with the touching. He hadn't, precisely because it had made him think of sun-darkened skin and the bumpy ridges of Zoro's scars that he'd received under Luffy's command, and what it might be like to lick along those scars, to have that dark skin taut beneath Luffy's own hands as Zoro arches and calls Luffy _Captain_ in a way that would ruin the word forever.

Essentially what Luffy has done in renewing the touching, is _stopped _being weird. He's gone back to status quo – no wonder Zoro looks pleased. He'd probably thought something was wrong.

The thought of it makes Luffy a little hysterical.

Luffy's always been tactile, and he hadn't seen cause to change the habits of a lifetime just because he'd dragged Zoro into his life. And it was fun, at the time, that had been the killer – with this newly discovered and apparently very specific attraction to idiotically loyal, muscle-bound, green-haired swordsmen. Back before he'd awakened the beast, when he could jerk off and be satisfied with it, touching Zoro had sent a delightful frisson skittering across Luffy's skin, more so when Zoro touched back.

So for _Zoro_ this level of touching, of Luffy's grabby hands during the day, and his seeking warmth at night, for Zoro, this was just Luffy. Never mind that Luffy had never crawled into bed with Usopp, and if he tried this with Sanji he'd probably lose a limb to a meat cleaver.

And then of course the _want_ had become harder and harder to sate, and the pleasing thrill no longer tickled but left the sour taste of bile in his mouth, his stomach cramping for a meal that Luffy would never be able to eat. Because not only did Zoro get unfairly more attractive – or maybe Luffy had lost all perspective, at least it was true to say that Zoro didn't get _less _attractive – but his love and loyalty to Luffy's crew got deeper, and sometimes when Zoro looked at him Luffy got the feeling that if he just opened his mouth and asked, Zoro might do horrible things for him.

It hurts, because Luffy is greedy, and Luffy wants everything from Zoro, and what's left after that, too.

* * *

Luffy doesn't know what to do. Saying the bald truth of it hasn't worked, and trying actions rather than words was completely unremarkable and commonplace because Luffy has apparently been doing this since _day one_, and now no one's batting an eyelid except for the fact that the mere thought of a cuddle has Luffy climbing the walls and gnawing at the ceiling.

Luffy's beginning to suspect he's going to have to die like this, either hollow and miserable, or bloated with empty calories, every time Zoro laughs or fights, and Luffy cannot touch the way he wants to, cannot speak the words he needs to.

Zoro finds him like that, sitting on deck and staring miserably at the sea, debating the merits of swallowing the entire ocean and its accompanying fish.

Zoro frowns, and wrinkles his brow, and sits down next to Luffy, body turning towards him, gentle and soft and supportive.

"What's up?" Zoro asks, concern lacing his tone.

Luffy's _starved_. "I'm hungry."

Zoro quirks an eyebrow, like he doesn't really believe Luffy, which briefly enrages Luffy because he's never said anything more truthful. It passes as quick as it comes, leaving behind the ravenous hunger, as the wind ruffles Zoro's hair and Luffy can feel the love he has for his captain radiating from him.

This is insupportable.

"I'm sure Sanji can whip something up," Zoro says, knowing full well Luffy's not listening.

Luffy rocks from side to side, deciding, and then shifts around, one hand on Zoro's knee, then on his shoulder, movement inefficient and exaggerated, until he's kneeling in front of Zoro. Luffy's hands rest on Zoro's thighs, and he leans in. Stares Zoro in the eye.

"I'm _hungry_," Luffy tries again, with feeling.

Zoro stills, and after a beat, "_Oh_," whispered softly, and then – nothing else.

This is it. Luffy's going to dissolve from the inside out, his own body digesting itself.

At which point Zoro leans forward, quick, and presses his lips to Luffy's, quick, like he's doubting it's welcome, and then leans back, quick, to study Luffy's reaction.

Luffy – Luffy hasn't been kissed. He's been invited to a banquet, is what he's been, a starving man in the desert offered a whole chocolate cake, a house on the beach, and the key to One Piece itself.

He's been given _permission_.

Luffy surges forward, maybe blacks out for a second, because when his brain comes back online Zoro's on his back and Luffy's knelt over him, mouths connected and tongues sliding against each other for long, delicious seconds, until Zoro pulls back a little, probably to breathe, and Luffy feels a little betrayed that Zoro might need air at this moment. Luffy certainly doesn't, because he's got Zoro's face cradled in his hands, and Zoro's looking at him with dilated pupils and slick lips, a sweet blush and an utterly stunned expression.

Luffy grins, broad, ecstatic.

"What brought that on?" Zoro wonders, probably not expecting an answer.

"I love you," Luffy repeats, and the look that Zoro gets fills Luffy up, right up to the brim, and he knows it will sate him for years to come.

And later, much later, when Zoro's sweat mingles with Luffy's, and their hearts beat softer and less frantic, Zoro returns the sentiment to him, spoken between quiet kisses, and Zoro's words seem to be those of a man who has held a long thirst that has at last been slaked. Luffy never knows hunger again.


End file.
